My Little Pony Tales of Heroism
by Superguy559
Summary: A fanfic in the colourful world of MLP. What could possibly go wrong...
1. Chapter 1

My Little Pony: Tales of Heroism

Chapter 1

Equestria burned. Its oceans had turned into violet electric blood and its inhabitants had become reptile-monkey monstrosities. Twilight Sparkle was the last one to retain her pony form, but she now had tree trunks for her back legs and flamethrowers for her front legs. Her head was made out of liquefied dark matter and her teeth were now an unspeakable paradox that ripped holes in space and time.

One of the reptile-monkey men charged at her, riding a human-dragon-shark like thing that boggled the mind and wielded an undead javelin made out of the last scion's tears and Satan's aborted bastard son. The student pony badass laughed at this pathetic display of aggression and blinked her eyelids, summoning Buddha's stomach. The jolly fat man's gut exploded and covered the abomination in Grandfather Times' child creating juices, which caused it to fall into the TARDIS, utterly destroying it.

Our faithful student then willed a rip in reality, walked through it and entered the realm of no tomorrow. The time police then suddenly came out of nowhere and gripped their acid coated blood swords tightly. One of the time fascists called out "Our overloads have given us our orders, horse-nerd. Now you will suffer at the hands of our time army!"

He called out a demonic cry and the Robo-Zulus came from their dens, their eyes supported on extended clockwork tentacles and their stomachs portals to the thirty-seventh dimension.

The crazy ass bitch knew this was a problem, so she transformed one of her flamearms into a hand, pulled a revolver from her rectum and fired it into her brain, completely ruining the tasty organ. This act of self destruction amused the abortion gods and in their ecstasy transformed her into the friendly neighbourhood Gandalf worshiping hero, Spiderman.

Now my fellow Romans, since we all know Spiderman can do whatever a spider can; he ripped his head in two and unleashed his spider-devil powers. He spun the web into a size that defied description, fired it towards his foe and sucked the techo-savages in his maw like a darkness possessed Coca-Cola can.

Then there was a giant explosion and every sun in the cool pimp galaxy turned into ice cream flavoured mud balls and there was much rejoicing.

"How dare you consume our robotic barbarian servants, you abominable space and time travelling anarchist!" said the weasel faced time cop.

All of a sudden, he revealed a TV and turned on the colourful entertainment device. It showed a man cry out to his merciful lord before dying of a heart attack.

Kira smiled and relaxed. He truly was a god.


	2. Chapter 2

My Little Pony: Tales of Heroism

Chapter 2

Twilight Sparkle danced thought the partials of insanity that emanated from the PS3 and landed on an island. Now normally this would be a good thing, my fellow cunts, if the island wasn't made of blood gods and Doritos, which it was. The cheesy, war mongering, Exorcist watching monster smiled, as the pony clopped herself into ecstasy and said "**I am death and the beginning; I will submerge the world into fast food and pull it out afresh."**

Twilight just kept clopping faster and faster and _faster_, ignoring the pretentious goat fucker.

"**I am a Shinigami and not a Shinigami, I am everything and nothing. I believe Jesus has a boner for me."**

Twilight was getting soaking wet at this point and started chanting in Latin to enhance her pleasure.

"**Soon I will be an abstract concept and no one will be able to disintegrate my message of love and destruction."**

This exposition pushed Twilight over the edge, literally, as her orgasm ripped a hole in the pages of this fanfic and she and the beast fell out of the bounds of their literary prison.

They found themselves in a basement, with walls covered in mechanical spiders. Twilight looked in contempt as she saw that they were surrounded by bears wearing vortex armour and head mounted faeces catapults. As she scanned the area for something awesome to do, she noticed a lone man sitting at his desk, typing on a computer. He was wearing a magic top hat and had a jumper made of orphan tears. He turned his gaze towards the gruesome twosome and said "Ah, my creations. It's so nice to see you again."

He picked up his laser gun, which shot hard light army tank constructions, and threw it on the floor, causing the extinction of two space travelling civilisations in the process.

"I hope you have saved me some cake, I find that cupcakes contain too much pony, completely ruins the taste."

He jumped in the air and caused the Illuminati to turn into cake, he'd have some later.

"But now, thou art in thine room. What dost thou have to say for thine self?"

"How dare you defile Shakespeare's tongue! Thou art a fool!" Twilight said back to the man, lust burning in her eyes. She knew what to do.

Flying into the air on her intergalactic surfboard, she opened her mouth and summoned a supernova. The burst of radiation cooked the room, killing everyone in it and burst outside, were it destroyed the planet they were on.

Galactus sneered in disappointment, he would go hungry tonight.


	3. Chapter 3

My Little Pony: Tales of Heroism

Chapter 3

Fluttershy laughed heartily, she had just finished murdering every set of annoying movie children ever. They were all dead, from those spoiled little cunts in Mary Poppins, to the fat bastards in The Sound of Music, their entrails now covered the hallow walls of Fluttershy's space castle.

Fluttershy smiled, satisfied with her work and looked at her Frankenbunny slave. She spat at him and said "Come on Angel, we must destroy the universe again."

Frankenbunny only grunted in acknowledgment and exploded into a trillion bits of anti-life, the delicate yet volatile fragments drifting harmlessly away in the peaceful wind.

Fluttershy then galloped over to her supercomputer that contained the coordinates of every known parallel universe in existence. She typed in "send me somewhere funny" and obeying its master's command, sent her to Auschwitz, the funniest place on earth.

She looked at the pathetic Jews in her vicinity and shouted "Jewish rats! I know your secret! Reveal yourselves, cowards!"

The Jews suddenly dropped the work given to them by their Nazi slave drivers and turned their heads towards the winged steed, their eyes full of burning hatred. They spoke in unison, as if guided by an all-powerful hive mind. "You are not one of the Aryan impersonators, yellow horse. You do not share their dilutions of inheriting the greatness of the Atlantean master race." They paused, seemingly to start morphing together, as if to achieve a higher state of consciousness. "However you have defiled this sacred ground, and for that, you will DIE!"

The Jews had become a Gun Giant, a being that is like a normal giant, expect made of guns and lasers and tigers. They marched towards the yellow goddess at a speed that would make a policeman holding a speedometer kill himself, and roared to their Aramaic god a prayer that rendered all others pointless.

But just as our hero seemed in to be in trouble, the Nazis came to the rescue in their space shuttle, carrying lightsabers and atomic blood pistols. "Commandant Fluttershy, we have come to your aid. These upstarts will soon learn the price of disobeying their superiors." The storm trooper said humbly to the sexy yellow whore.

"Good, let's get started and fuck these fuckers up!" Fluttershy said back as she charged at the monstrosity. She flew into the sky and dived down, slamming on the Jew monster's head in an attempt to crush its skull, but all that did was help it summon a portal to the underverse!

The backwards bent, faceless, aggressive monstrosities crawled out the portal merrily, singing on their way. "Heigh-ho, heigh-ho! It's home from work we go!" filled the battlefield air, as they stormed towards Fluttershy and her Nazi friends. In response, the Nazis withdrew their atomic blood pistols and unleashed a valley of blood nukes, each containing enough power to level an entire city and replace it with an ocean of blood.

The planet shook as the force of the battle unstabilised the tectonic plates of the earth to the point where the core was exposed to the surface. Molten lava boiled the oceans away and created clouds the size of Africa. The clouds collected ash from the lava smoke and combined to create… a molten lava mecha robot. The machine had two thousand mini guns, one hundred plasma cannons and thirty tactical nukes, each with the payload to destroy a planet.

The machine's voice boomed across five parallel dimensions, it said "I am the legacy of William Shakespeare, I will aid you my beloved Pegasus."

Fluttershy only laughed and said "If you love me, then help me. These bastards aren't going to kill themselves."

Then the battle started

The mecha robot fired its mini guns towards the flesh-Jew monstrosity, cutting up the whole land of Poland in process, but the Jew raised a force field and deflected the magic bullets into the Nazis. The flesh monster then jumped into the air and landed on the great land of France. It started absorbing the bio matter of the helpless citizens, causing their horror covered faces to appear merged with the flesh of its own, but it only now came up to the mecha's knees. The mecha tried to slam its foot down but the monster dodged yet again and landed on the robot's head. It started ripping into the visor in an attempt to blind the attacker, but the thick hell forged glass was too thick to crack, even for the strength of the religious abomination, but they were locking in combat.

Back on earth the Nazis were having problems of their own. The horde just kept coming and coming. Sure they were pathetic in comparison to the Nazis, but they had numbers, the Nazis did not. There pistol stared ripping holes in reality and all manner of creepy crawlies came out to seek their vengeance.

The battle was one that Vikings would sing of; realities ripped open then imploded, trillions of people died and the universe exploded fifty thousand times. The moon turned into cheese and all the dairy companies became space companies to harvest its bounty and everyone celebrated when not being incinerated. Pirates sailed the time streams backwards to take advantage of the past's lesser technological state and plundered the world of its wealth. And last, but not least, Mary had a stillbirth.

After the apocalypse, every weeabo in existence joined hands in song to honour the fallen, before dying from the nuclear fallout.

Dedicated to Frankenbunny.


	4. Chapter 4

My Little Pony: Tales of Heroism

Chapter 4

Darkness, this was the first thing Princess Celestia noticed when she awoke. She remembered she had been whipping the slaves of the gold mines, when the orcs had gassed her and her legion of inbred guards. She was bound in chains forged from the raw essence of evil, they were nigh unbreakable even for a goddess of her stature.

Suddenly, a light blossomed through the bars of the cell door and all she could feel was horror as she caught on to her sticky situation. She was in a prison cell not made of stone, but of rotting flesh and broken bone. The organic mass pulsated as if it had a heartbeat but if you were to cut it open you would not find blood of any kind, but acid distilled from Zeus's saliva, that is why in the five billion years that the prison had been operational, nobody had ever escaped. On its walls hung skeletons of all kinds; Predators, Teletubbies and Anime characters were just a few of the many different forms, most of which were inconceivable to her simple pony mind.

Her jailer was a skeleton warrior, with a lantern in one hand and a key ring in the other. Strapped on his back was a battle axe made of doubt and he was wearing a full suite of plate mail armour, painted black for no reason other than to look cooler. In her current position the princess could not even hope to fight this adversary, so she swallowed her pride and bided her time for her moment to strike.

The walking pile of bones glared at her with its soulless eyes and spoke. "Prisoner, I see you are awake. Good, I grew tired of watching a body with less life in it than my own." He chuckled quietly at his own joke and continued. "My superiors wish to see you. Come, or face the wrath of my battle-axe, Totuz." The princess snarled at this pompous trite, but realising there was nothing she could do, put up with for the time being.

The door opened with a creak as the souls of the dammed felt the friction of the hinges opening, and the bony soldier shambled forward. After placing his key ring on a grip on his armour, he grabbed the hair of our hero and dragged her out of her cell and into the hall. The hall was also made of the same flesh and bone material as before, but with the addition of milk dripping from the ceiling, disgusting the princess even more. The milk had red streaks in it, tainted by the menstrual blood of the lactating Hindu goddess that produced it, and gave it a bittersweet taste that intrigued the palate of any given consumer.

As they passed through the seemingly endless corridor, she noticed a great many things in each of the cells to her left and right. To name just a few, she saw the porn producers from A Serbian Film, fucking kids, corpses and men of all shapes and sizes, and singing the theme tune from Transformers as they went about their job merrily. She saw three dragons made of time, dancing to the blissful music of the solar winds, and getting blowjobs from the God emperor of Rome, Caligula. The final thing on their journey she saw was Homer Simpson getting sodomized by Ned Flanders, while Matt Groening wanked himself off, with a glass Coke bottle getting shoved up his arse.

When they finally made it to the set of doors at the end of the intimidating hallway, the skeleton pushed past them and through to the inner sanctum. No longer was there even a scrap of meat in sight, now it was as if they were walking through space itself, even though they were still on solid ground. Stars shined all around them, as they beamed their light in hopes of illuminating their alicorn goddess. Galaxies and black holes gently revolved as they performed their eternal cosmic waltz in this meaningless existence of ours, providing some beauty and hope for all of us.

This stretch of time, however, was also spent getting dragged by the scalp by the undead jailer. This surreal sense of beauty and pain made the princess temporarily ponder the meaning of the cosmos, so at least she spent her thinking time thinking something actually important.

After many years of traveling, they finally made it to their destination. She found herself in a room shrouded in darkness, a faint light from the middle providing the only source of darkness banishing goodness. In the middle of the room there was a rectangular oak table with a small oil lamp on it, however, this particular table had quite a history behind it. It was the same table used by the proud Ust'kalie race to debate how to defeat the time dragons. They had debated for millennia, which admittedly caused some problems for the food caters, but in the end their resolution was absolute, "Get them addicted to crystal meth and then extort them for everything they have."

On one side of the table there was a seat covered in vicious looking spikes, with straps made of troll hide leather on the arms and legs. On the other side five figures cloaked in the shadow sat, they were uniform and silent with no noticeable differences between them. They turned their heads slowly so that their eyes were trained on the chained goddess and spoke in unison. "Princess, you have arrived. We are your captors, as you may have realised. We have much to talk about. But where are our manners? Come, take a seat."

The skeleton, following this statement, let go of Celestia's hair and took out a syringe from his armour. He then promptly got out a small vial of liquid and quickly stuck the needle into it. Then with a quick chuckle, he sucked up the whole bottle, followed by putting pressure on the plunger until the liquid spurted out the tip of the needle, we wouldn't want any air bubbles would we? After all that, he suddenly jammed the needle into the goddess's jugular and injected all of the evil potion's contents inside her blue blooded circulatory system. The potion was made of the blood of Nyx and the tears of Eskimos, a potent elixir indeed, for the mix of daemon spawn DNA and the DNA of a dying culture created a potent sleeping draft that could knock out anything for exactly six hours.

Soon Celestia fell into a deep sleep, she dreamt of Eskimos.

When she awoke she found herself tied to a crane hook dangling over a vat of bubbling chicken semen. Standing on the side-lines were the five figures beaming at her smugly. "So you're finally awake. Good, now the talk can begin." One by one they stepped into the light, revealing their facial features. They were fucking horrifying I can assure you. They looked like collections of tentacles, bound to humanoid forms by purple tuxedos.

"Firstly, what is the colour of reality?" the first one said.

Celestia stared blankly at him before saying "What kind of stupid fucking question is that you hentai reject!"

"Hentai reject! I'll show you hentai reject you arrogant cunt!" He said back, extending his tentacles at her. "You better start being Japanese, cos you gonna get raped!"

As his tentacles started to fill with blood and slide towards her warm moist fuck holes; the door behind them exploded and out came men with guns in hand! Their leader was a man with extremely bishounen features, smoking opium out of a gold pipe. He spat the pipe out and said "My name is Moonsandwich Fuckcow and I have come to shove my leg up your ass!"

"Oh no you fucking won't!" the monster said drawing his katana. He opened up his mouth and a laser beam shot out incinerating Fuckcow's henchmen, but that didn't stop the man of the hour from dodging and sending a solid slug into the mass of hatred that was the twisted horror.

It did nothing.

He shot the rest of his bullets into them but it was no use. The tentacles had no set shape and could doge any projectile attack sent at them. He realised at that moment that guns were useless and dropped his now empty weapon.

He reached in his coat and retrieved a pair of gantlets, placing them on his hands. They were the ice gantlets of the fiery chainsaw, a deadly contradiction in both name and purpose. He charged the first one and ripped its head off, disintegrating it in a haze of boiling ice and freezing fire. The second and third were smashed to pulp and thrown in the chicken semen, where they drowned having the sperm bite off their cock-a-doodle-dos. The fourth was slightly harder to kill due to the fire it spat out, however that was of no consequence when Fuckcow shoved the gloves up the abomination's ass.

So here they were, with Fuckcow on one end of the area and the fifth and final tentacle mass standing at his opposite. "You killed my brothers… interesting. How did you come across such majestic items?" the monster said while swinging his sword around in a dangerous fashion.

"I collected them from an old weapons dealer that specialised in the old ones. These old ones knew exactly how to create items of extreme power, unfortunately that was there downfall."

"So they created weapons so lethal they wiped themselves out? Seems like civilizations never change…"

"No that's not what killed them! What happened was that they created a dildo of such epic proportions that they literally fucked themselves out of existence! When will people learn that some things man was not meant to know!"

The tentacle mass looked stunned at the absolute amount of retardness that had emanated from that discussion. Seriously, that was the gayest discussion that he had ever had, and he'd had to talk to his son about whether or not raping a man in prison because you were disparate and the guards wanted to record you for some money on the side counted as coming out the closet.

"Well I can now see that you are not man to be trifled with, so let me attack you at full power!" as he said this he gripped both hands around his weapon and chanted an ancient chant "My weapon is the creation by which all others are compared. If I am bad, my weapon is bad. If I am gay, then my weapon is gay. So please lend me some of you minty freshness now!" as he finished the bottom of the sword handle opened and a mint came out, which the wielder quickly swallowed.

Fuckcow was stunned "That's it?…"

"Yeah, I can't fight with a bad taste in my mouth. What were you expecting a fucking bankai! Come at me bro!" he charged like no other and the fight began.

It started with the horror-mass extending his appendages towards our hero, go-go rape points first, Fuckcow only grabbed onto them and ripped them into small pieces. "You motherfucker!" the mass yelled as it rammed into him. It grabbed all of his limbs and placed its warms hands on the man's throat. Our hero could only snarl with pure blooded rage that the monster as it bore down on him.

"HA HA HA HA HA! Now your mine, Fuckcow! It's time for me to get a… release that I so humbly deserve from you." His voice was no longer of a monster but instead was velvet smooth as it gently licked his cheek with its soft smooth tongue.

"You bastard get the fuck off me!" Our hero roared as he tried to grab the thing's body with is gantlet weapons, but it was no use, the thing had utterly pinned him down and now his man-virginity was laid bare to the disgusting pervert.

"Yeah, let him go!" Celestia said "At the least if you're gonna have a butt party let me join in…"

"Fuck you! Men only." The tentacle monster shouted at the dirty skank. He turned his head towards his new toy and felt a sense of duty creep up on him. "By the way I feel that I am being quite rude not telling my victim my name, especially a victim of your looks and charms." He giggled slightly. "My name is Bustin Keeber and you're going to my world for this evening!"

As his licked the nice man's cheek he started to rip Fuckcow's clothes off; first his shirt, then his trousers, then his socks, until finally he got down to the man's underpants. "You're not hard? Well that can be easily sorted my dear friend" Keeber said with a smile… then he stuck his tongue down his boyfriend's throat.

To say the least Fuckcow wasn't a very happy man at this moment. He could feel the slimy, dirty, mucus encrusted throat fuck in all of its glory. He would have been sick, but the tongue-tentacle was now in his stomach and was draining all of his gut acids, as well as his dinner. But something was happening to our poor dear. Was it the fact he hadn't been with anyone who had been this faithful before? Was it that he was a sad and lonely man? Or was it the monstrosity drinking him from the inside out? He didn't know. What he did know right now was he was currently in possession of a raging boner that threated to be counted as a WMD. It was black, bleeding, hairy and smelly, possibly due to the fact that he used to rape worm burrows as a kid and now the eggs that were lodged in there had hatched. The worms were eating his cock at a freighting speed as they made a space that they called home.

"Oh God!" Keeber said as he saw the now swelled penis, which I may also point out now had worms burrowing out of the festering sores and the tip of the urethra. "I'm not letting that one eyed monster anywhere near my perfectly rounded ass! No, I'll just fuck your… AHHHH!"

Those screams were perfectly reasonable as the ass of Fuckcow contained the stillborn ass baby of the hero that we love. It was a horror of flesh and shit and was also covered in worms. The gasses that it expelled almost made it sound as if it were sleeping.

Due to the natural reaction of Keeber, namely to get away from the weird man that he was once likely to rape, it gave our brave almost-dad hero the chance he needed! He jumped up at the monster and stuck his horror-dick into the rapist's mouth. "Now it's time to get _my _release that you were going to exploit out of me, slut!"

With that he started to pump and pump and pump and pump for about five minutes until a great awakening. "Now I'll get revenge for my brothers!" He came. He came so hard that it shot right out the back of Keeber's head and went straight into our once hero Celestia! She died of course.

So after that… interesting experience, Fuckcow stood up high and did something he thought he never would, he removed the ass baby from his butt and held it in his arms. "Oh my son.." He said as tears welled up in his eyes. "I'm sorry but daddy's got to move on. After this I'm also getting that worm infestation in my groin removed. Know that I will always love you." He through the corpse into the vat of cum and put his transmitter to his mouth. "Captain, the mission is complete. I'm ready to come abroad once more and with it into a brighter future."

And so as he smiled for the first time in years, Lieutenant Moonsandwich Fuckcow of the Intergalactic Peace Core was beamed back upon the starship Freedom, a better person.


	5. Chapter 5

My Little Pony: Tales of Heroism

Chapter 5

_Luna's journal, 25__th__ August 1944._

_The jerrys attacked us again last night, killed Private Johnson with a mortar shell. It wasn't quick, we got him back to the bell tower but we couldn't stop the bleeding. He died screaming in agony, poor bastard. They just keep coming, I mean, I and my squad are holed up in this bell tower and they're shelling us to kingdom come. We're almost out of ammo, our tommy guns won't be of much use if they're just glorified clubs, will they? We have no water and we're scared, I heard one of the men crying for his momma last night, poor kid. I'm currently thinking we won't make it, but I can assure you, if we're gonna die, we'll go down fighting._

_-Sargent Luna, 51__st__ "Electric Monkey" platoon._

Luna surveyed the battlefield, tommy gun gripped tightly in her hoofs. All she saw was carnage, those Nazi bastards hadn't left one stone untouched. Burnt bodies were scattered across the crater covered field like Satan's Christmas decorations, and the smell was as if Cerberus had made a huge diarrhoea dump all over it. Currently a feeling of morbid calmness graced the atmosphere, but that was not to last. The Germans had given shelling a rest for once, probably getting a nice release at the local gay brothel.

Luna's men guarded the doors to the bell tower, only five were now left of the once fifty man platoon. The men were as follows; Skinner, the best damn scalper in the American army. Steel Balls, the man with five hundred hand grenades shoved up his arse. The Mother Lover, an inbred, incestuous man who would never, ever swear. Stephen Hawking, the 50 Cent of physicists. And finally, Bear Man, a man who is also a bear… with lasers, trucks and cannons attached to his fingers.

The Mother Lover was writing a poem, it said "Sometimes the placid coward rejoices, but the onlooker always knowingly mournes the bride related to a maestro! Most people believe that an alchemist living with a tea party caricatures the bubble, but they need to remember how knowingly the cream puff living with an espadrille beams with joy. Now and then, a bicep boogies a stalactite about some bodice ripper. Unlike so many toothpicks who have made their comely bubble bath abhorrent to us, philosophers remain seldom wobbly."

Stephen Hawking rolled his pimpmobile up to Luna and gave his report. "Yo sweet ass, mi homies and I can't see any more o these niggas. I wanna go back to da hood, mi hoes ain't gonna fuck themselves."

Luna slapped the gangsta and said "shut up you fuckwit, you're not leaving until all of these crazy krauts are dead. Now get back to your post."

The robot-man grunted and left, but not before thinking about Luna's sweet ass. He had always wanted it and often fantasised about just ramming it until the pony wouldn't be able to sit for at least a week, but that was not to be as he was a cripple. He hated it, he had been crippled by Oscar Wilde, the cunt, and he wouldn't rest until he had skull fucked him to the tune of Last Friday Night.

Luna then walked down creaky brown steps and shouted "Listen up faggets! We're moving out, anyone who doesn't keep up will be left behind! Do you understand?"

"Sir, yes sir!" came the reply.

Then they walked out into the dark and stormy night. Mother Lover was afraid of the dark and so brought a night light, but the others weren't so lucky. Skinner scouted ahead looking for zombie scout patrols, but to his surprise found none. "Hey ya wankers! It's clearer than my old dad's moonshine up here."

"Delightful, I wouldn't want this mission to go astray" said Steel Balls eloquently.

They marched through windy fields, harsh deserts, outer space and hell itself before reaching their destination, Berlin.

Bear Man was chosen to find Hitler's bunker and did so with enthusiasm. Despite being a half-bear, half-man abomination, he was also a master of disguise. He walked the streets of Berlin, passing the bustling inhabitants as he went. Uniformed guards lined every corner, guns in hand with expressions of pure anger on their dirt covered faces. Sometimes they had prisoners at work, chain bound, paving the streets and moving the rubbish bins. Banners ordained with the symbol of the third Reich waved gently in the soft breeze, a constant reminder of the iron grip oppression that ruled this once great nation. The dank, musky air coloured the sky black. It was a hell hole.

After walking past many shops and seeing enough grey concreted buildings to last him a life time, he finally made it to his destination. The Lusty Bell, a bar for the lost and dammed. On the outside there was nothing remarkable about, it was just another grey building in the sea of misery that was this city, however this particular structure held a dark secret within its masonry.

As he entered, all of the patrons turned their German eyes towards him. There were gay pig headed Nazis getting blowjobs from evil space dwarfs, sentient CD players playing anarchist rock and roll songs and mint daemons holding gatling rocket bazookas. Truly, it was a sight to behold. The bar tender was Amy Winehouse, who being dead was a zombie and was now named Zombie Winehouse. Her tits were now two vodka bottles sticking out of her chest and her teeth were now made of vortex gold. Bear Man walked up to the bar and started talking to the tragic figure "Ma'am, can you help me find someone?"

Zombie Winehouse only replied "No, no, no" and said "I ain't got the time."

Bear Man tried again by saying the code phrase "Our day will come."

Zombie Winehouse looked at him with understanding and said "and we'll have everything."

She motioned over to the back room subtly and walked there hoping to be followed, which Bear man obliged. She took a swig from her tit-bottles and said "Listen cock-bite, I'm only helping you because your people have my banana boat. So don't expect me to be friendly, ok."

Bear Man snorted in acknowledgment and shouted "Let's fuck!"

Zombie Winehouse shouted "Fuck yeah!" and they started fucking.

Soon, however, there was a huge rumble and the floor opened up, sucking Zombie Winehouse and Bear Man into its maw. What was left was a red tunnel that seemed to stretch on forever. It was red and soon all of the cliché hell daemons that you have read of before stated crawling out for blood. As this happened, a sound thundered up from the hell pit. It was a voice and what a voice it was! It sounded like a sheep getting fucked by a Welshman for the first time, crossed with the sound of a light fish ejaculating. The words were in daemonic, but for you lucky readers I'm going to translate it for you! It said "Can I get some toast? If you get me some I will KILL YOU!"

This story segment will be continued another time…

Authors note: Well that's five chapters of story done. If you would like me to write about some other piece of fiction, I will happily be taking requests. Either tell me in the review section of this story, or email me at the email address shown in my profile page.


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